The Voice of God

I was poking around my local Wal-Mart Supercenter last week when something stopped me in my tracks.

Specifically, it was the voice of God.

I stood still, taking in the message.  He spoke for a surprisingly long time.

When he finished, I pondered the meaning of his words.  Was there some significance to the phrase, “Home electronics, you have a call holding on line five.  Home electronics, line five” ?

I finally decided that it might not have been the voice of God, but rather then voice of the Wal-Mart phone operator, who only sounded like God.

This guy has a GREAT voice.  It’s booming, but sweet.  It’s got that pleasant rumble, with just a small lilt at the end that pierces you.  In a word:  enchanting.

Now, I’ve never seen the guy, but I’d say he’s in his late 50’s, early 60’s.  He sounds grandfatherly. 

I wandered some more, hoping to hear him again.  While I wandered, I tried to figure out who he is or where he works.

Surely a voice so nice couldn’t be reserved for just this one store.  Maybe Wal-Mart has decided to send all their calls to a central hub, where Grandpa God pushes buttons or pulls and sets cords into jacks like an old-fashioned operator.

I called the supercenter a few days later, expecting to get a recording.  But Grandpa God answered.  At first, I couldn’t speak.

GRANDPA GOD:  “Thank you for calling the Mt. Dora Wal-Mart Supercenter.  How may I direct your call?”

ME:  silence

GRANDPA GOD:  “This is the Mt. Dora Wal-Mart, can I help you?”

ME:  “Umm… I’m… I need… I can’t remember why I called…”

I quickly hung up the phone.

After calming down, I called back.  I asked him where he was located.  He assured me that he was actually at the Mt. Dora location.

Weird, huh?

Now I imagine who he USED to be.  Was he a famous voice actor from the 40’s, blacklisted during the McCarthy hearings because he once narrated a cartoon about socialism.

Or maybe he was a Canadian sports announcer, broadcasting spirited games of curling until a gambling scandal cost him his job and his reputation.

He could have been a freakshow announcer who fell in love with the bearded lady, only to lose her in a tragic Epilady accident.

I’d like to ask him about his life.  But I’m so nervous everytime I talk to him that I just cave, and say, “home electronics, please.”