The Voice of God

I was poking around my local Wal-Mart Supercenter last week when something stopped me in my tracks.

Specifically, it was the voice of God.

I stood still, taking in the message.  He spoke for a surprisingly long time.

When he finished, I pondered the meaning of his words.  Was there some significance to the phrase, “Home electronics, you have a call holding on line five.  Home electronics, line five” ?

I finally decided that it might not have been the voice of God, but rather then voice of the Wal-Mart phone operator, who only sounded like God.

This guy has a GREAT voice.  It’s booming, but sweet.  It’s got that pleasant rumble, with just a small lilt at the end that pierces you.  In a word:  enchanting.

Now, I’ve never seen the guy, but I’d say he’s in his late 50’s, early 60’s.  He sounds grandfatherly. 

I wandered some more, hoping to hear him again.  While I wandered, I tried to figure out who he is or where he works.

Surely a voice so nice couldn’t be reserved for just this one store.  Maybe Wal-Mart has decided to send all their calls to a central hub, where Grandpa God pushes buttons or pulls and sets cords into jacks like an old-fashioned operator.

I called the supercenter a few days later, expecting to get a recording.  But Grandpa God answered.  At first, I couldn’t speak.

GRANDPA GOD:  “Thank you for calling the Mt. Dora Wal-Mart Supercenter.  How may I direct your call?”

ME:  silence

GRANDPA GOD:  “This is the Mt. Dora Wal-Mart, can I help you?”

ME:  “Umm… I’m… I need… I can’t remember why I called…”

I quickly hung up the phone.

After calming down, I called back.  I asked him where he was located.  He assured me that he was actually at the Mt. Dora location.

Weird, huh?

Now I imagine who he USED to be.  Was he a famous voice actor from the 40’s, blacklisted during the McCarthy hearings because he once narrated a cartoon about socialism.

Or maybe he was a Canadian sports announcer, broadcasting spirited games of curling until a gambling scandal cost him his job and his reputation.

He could have been a freakshow announcer who fell in love with the bearded lady, only to lose her in a tragic Epilady accident.

I’d like to ask him about his life.  But I’m so nervous everytime I talk to him that I just cave, and say, “home electronics, please.”

I Just Can’t Get Into Podcasting…

For the longest time (roughly three months and two days) I didn’t understand podcasting.  I just figured it was some really technical new medium that only the well-connected internet users were experimenting with.

Then I heard a podcast.  To be fair, it may have been one of the worst podcasts ever made, but it was my first, so I use it here as the example.

Turns out that podcasting is nothing more than someone talking into a microphone about crap no one else cares about.

Let me get this straight:  computer technology has evolved to such a point that we can now carry with us the ability to listen to boring people pontificate on subjects about which they have only cursory knowledge while we ride the bus?

I’m confused.  I thought that was why they invented the transistor radio in the SIXTIES!  But it’s even worse.  At least with ad-supported radio, you have to possess at least a sliver of talent.  But  today’s podcasting makes any idiot with a microphone a “star” of their own show. 

The internet is turning into ham radio.  Have you seen the people who operate ham radios? 

I have little hope for the future of this planet.